I AM

“Heartache awakens us to a whisper of a rumor, to a hint of the truth that we’re not at home. We spend most of our life pursuing both necessity and luxury, guided by the presumption that life can be orderly and predictable if we just try hard enough.  And then the tragedy on some form breaks through and awakens us”    Dan Allender

Before I went to bed last evening, I laid flat on my back and prayed a very long, painful and specific prayer.  As usual, I prayed for my kids and my entire family, I prayed for my health, I prayed for surrender (as I often do, but never seem to quite accomplish), I prayed for a new life and a renewed heart. I asked God to break me free from the chains of despair, depression, anxiety, loneliness; and for this ever-present, 8 long years of financial struggle and recovery to finally come to an end.

I awoke today feeling better and a bit lighter, but the heavy weight of my life’s circumstances threw water on my face and quickly joined the party.  Even so, I decided to stay mindful, prayerful; with a renewed sense, that today I have the choice to alter the direction of my attitude. After reading the quote above from a book I am studying, I came to the stark realization that there must be a purpose for all that I’ve gone through and continue to go through.  That God is not even close to being finished with me.  That my 8-year battle, as tragic and difficult as it feels to me, has a purpose and ultimately is meant to be shared to shine some light in a dark world. So, here I am, back with the pen in my hand after a very…. very long time in my own darkness.  Time to move….

One of the problems associated with isolation when you are depressed is that you are typically not open to healing from others who care about you.  And although I sometimes feel that I’m all alone, I know the truth; and that is I have an abundance of people in my life who love and care about me.  I’ve recently been reminded of that from some amazing people who have stepped in to help me through a rough period.  As is typical for me, it’s the mirror that haunts me; my inability to see myself as others see me and most importantly, how God sees me.  Even in the midst of tragedy we have a choice.  Through our affliction, we can either become our most true self or our most false self.  For me, unfortunately, over the years, it’s been the latter.  I tend to overcomplicate tragedy, by regressing and making poor decisions because of depression and despair that exacerbate my tragedy.  It’s a vicious cycle that must come to an end for me.  Another component of my prayer last night. 

The truth is that I AM who God made me to be, He does not make mistakes.  Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could hold on to that notion throughout our days, and especially through tragedies?  Let’s face it, everyone experiences great pain and difficulty in their lives.  The question remains; what do we do about it?  How do we react when faced with challenges? 

A strong attachment to another quote by Dan Allender in the book I am reading, To Be Told, really stirred something inside me that has also inspired me to write today.

“The future is meant to be written in light of the patterns of the past.  We can’t predict the future, but we can read the patterns of the past to see how God has marked us for his purpose.  As we learn to read patterns, we gain an understanding of our calling”

Quite often during my 8-year battle, I’ve had the notion that my testimony (when shared) has the capacity to help others.  As I look back on the most significant moments of my life; they are all tethered to my inner desire to help others.  I honestly believe that this is what God has called me to do, and my validation comes from the feeling I get when I can get out of my own way and rest in this place.  Whether it’s through writing, through work, or through relationships and just everyday conversation; I am certainly my best self when I’m in that space. 

In the end, we all have a choice to make…. we can start living or we can start dying.  I sometimes have these ridicules feelings that I’m too old to fix this.  That my time has passed, and at 54 years old there is no way I can repair all the damages, pay off all the debts, and truly get my life back on the right track.  But, again, that’s a lie from the enemy and I know it.  Which brings me back full circle to the title of this piece; I AM.  We can to believe what God wants us to believe; that we are ALL made in God’s image; and that all He sees is His perfect creation. 

Like many of you reading this, I have a strong tendency to beat myself up.  To put myself down, to believe that I am a much better BAD guy than I am a GOOD guy.  I view this belief or choice as the fundamental trigger to my continued recovery; to believe the TRUTH and not the LIES. It all comes back to I AM:

Lies:

I am selfish, I am not trustworthy, I am an addict, I am a liar, I am unfaithful, I am too intense, I am inconsistent, I am a person who makes poor decisions, I am lazy, I am a bad father, I am a bad friend

Truth:

I am resilient (after all, I am still here fighting), I am helpful (the truth of my life), I am smart and capable (still able to hold down a good job and earn), I am a good writer (not for me to judge, but its cathartic), I am loving and caring (my heart is still open to love), I am a good father (my kids love me; there is no doubt), I am a light in a dark world (continuing to share my testimony), I am a child of God (the fulcrum upon which everything can shift in a positive direction)

In closing, I would like to share a story and a short poem.  

When I first landed in this 8-year life battle; as many of you know I awoke one evening with a vision to write my first book, My Back Nine. It’s hard for me to read or even talk about this book since I’ve had difficulty following my own antidotes on how to live a better life.  A topic for another time.  While I was in the process of writing the book, a friend of mine recommended that I participate in a 3-day spiritual journey; which included meditation, holotropic breathing exercises, role-playing, and writing.  Up until that point, I was not really interested in writing; especially poetry.  At the end of the class, we were all asked to write a poem that would be penned by the future version of ourselves ten years down the road.  I will close this piece with the poem I wrote; my first try ever at poetry.  Sometimes I weep when I read it; knowing God was guiding my hands and knew exactly where I wanted to be. 

My very best to you all…….

I Am

Written by the future version of Tony Caico (2020)

I am a wise and humble soul

Peaceful, I am

Patient, I am

It took me a while, but that’s OK

Grateful, I am

Fulfilled, I am

I started down my path, but it was cluttered

Persistent, I was

Focused, I was

The path led to the purpose

Confident, I became

Authentic, I became

My journey continues, what a great feeling

Contemplative, I am

Present, I am

The mirror and I are finally friends