A NEW...BETTER YEAR 2013

A few months ago, a dear friend of mine who I had not seen a quite some time, honored me with a small token of appreciation of our friendship.  It was a magnet with the very poignant quote from Robert Frost:

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I  - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”

As I was getting breakfast this morning I looked at this magnet on my fridge and started contemplating on it’s meaning.  After several minutes of trying to unpack this quote and its correlation to my life, I decided to sit down and put pencil to paper.  After all, it is New Years Eve, and perhaps I can write and break free from my current state.  As I attempt to pave my way through this piece, I am swimming in a pool of despair, nothing to do this evening, and hoping that the Holidays will end soon.  I know, sounds great, right?  I was going to have my children tonight, but those plans have changed, and similar to Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve this year, I will probably be alone.  It’s been a very difficult year for me, and I am writing today to try and break free from my torment and prepare to get my footing for 2013.

This piece will not be typical.  Heck, I’m not even sure I will send it out.  I probably will though, due to the fact that I seem to be reaching for motivation from others this time, as opposed to trying to provide the spark of inspiration that usually accompanies my writing.  I figure that, at the very least, I will receive some feedback from my bevy of quality friends out there (if you are reading this, you are one of them) and that feedback could provide me some much-needed fuel to restart my engines for 2013.

Over the last several weeks, I have buried myself in motivational books, spent considerable time praying, started going back to church, and have been frantically trying to figure out what I will do to earn a living next year.  Try as I might, I can’t seem to break out of this year-end “funk” I seem to be in.  So, on this last day of the year, I am spilling it out on paper, trying to wash myself clean, and dig as deep as I can in an attempt set the wheels in motion for a purposeful year to come. 

Several years go, I made some significant changes in my life that put me on a path to recovery.  I wrote and published a  book, My Back Nine, which served as my personal lifeboat at the time and helped pull me out of a deep, deep, depression.  Now, here I am, 3 years later in a similar space.  Not quite as bad as back then, but the fact that I have not accomplished many (or any…really) of the goals I set back then has me bound in a new set of chains.  Chains that are different this time and seem to be stronger now, and I am desperately searching for a way through.  Back then, as I was similarly searching, I emerged from my cocoon with a notion that “helping others” was my calling.  I completed my book, obtained a Life Coaching Certification, and started my own coaching and consulting company, Affinity5.  It’s funny, as I sit here today, I know deep in my heart that I have helped many others for many years, but helping myself…. well, that a different story.  I’m sure many of you can relate.  Quite often, it's easier to help others and show others where they are going wrong than it is to analyze and fix yourself.

This is where I am, again, and the feeling is similar to standing in quicksand.  I sometimes wonder if I’ve made any progress at all, because as I sit here today, my situation seems to be worse than it was 4 years ago, when I thought my life couldn’t possibly get worse.  Through my faith, my writing, my family, and my friendships, I have been able to maintain my positive attitude, and I’ve pressed on.   Unfortunately, these positive feelings have abandoned me now, and my hope is that by writing this piece today, I can emerge again and start fresh for 2013.  Could it be that simple?

Why I am writing this and sharing this?  I’m not exactly sure, but my sense is that many of you will be able to relate and somehow, even is my current state of despair, I am still following my path and these words might help you realize that you are not alone.  Perhaps, the Holidays are difficult for you as well, and my story and life situation can resonate.  At the same time, when I hear back from you (and I hope that I do) I will know that I am not alone.  Contrarily, for those of you who are on the mountaintop, perhaps you can share some antidotes.  Either way, writing the words help me in many ways, a sort-of therapy if you will.

Sometimes I try and widen the lens and attempt to figure out where the pain actually comes from.  Typically, for me (and many men), it has a direct correlation to my financial status and my ability to provide for my children in a manner they are accustom to.   I’m sure that is ego related, but it’s also a very difficult item to overcome, actually imasculating in many ways. This may sound trivial to some people, but I’m sure many can understand how I feel, especially when you have others counting on you.  Lately, I have been avoiding my children because I don’t have enough cash to do things with them, a trap I put myself in years ago.  It’s a very embarrassing, shameful, and uncomfortable place to be in, having 5 children counting on me and not being able to provide and deliver.   Again, my perspective, not theirs…another issue I need to work through. 

I was talking with a close friend recently and we are discussing providence, consequences, and their correlation to our life’s course.  With his help, I came to realization that I have been keeping a scorecard that leads me to believe that if I keep doing good things (helping others) than somehow I can erase all of the bad things I have done.  Sort of a “My name is Earl” type of thing, that I can make right what I did wrong.  But what I now realize is that I can't escape to consequences of my past actions.  I can only move forward.  My sense is that after all of my self analysis, hard work, reading, praying, etc.…I still seem to be unable to LET GO of my OLD LIFE and truly MOVE ON.  Why, because I don’t know HOW. 

One of the things that I have also realized is that I need to surround myself with more people; I am spending way too much time alone.  I’m a social being, and when I’ve been at my best was when I had many people around.  Although I have a tremendous amount for great friendships all over the country, I am now in new city, and I need to figure out a way to get connected and more engaged in my new community.  A 2013 goal for sure.  Another very important item for me (and many others…I assume) is that I need to finally stop attaching my self worth to my financial worth.  It’s very interesting to actually “know” what to do and what to believe and NOT be able to do it and LIVE it.  I closed my book with the following quote:

“It’s the soul that makes a man rich.  He is rich or poor according to what he is and not according to what he has”

In closing I would like to thank all of those who read this piece and encourage you to respond to me in any manner you deem appropriate.  Even if it’s to say: “stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your act together”.   I realize that everyone has difficulties in life, but since I have served up a platform through this blog for shared inspiration, I thought perhaps I could get some in return.  I quite often get feedback from friends that my writing is true and raw, and that sharing so much of myself helps them in their journey.  I must admit, some of this is self-preserving.  When I write and share my feelings it makes me feel better.  I imagine everyone has their own mechanisms they use to help themselves, this is mine.  The fact that I can share, get feedback, and at times, and even inspire others through my writing is heartwarming.  In the end, I will NOT QUIT, I will persevere, continue to fight my demons, and I hope that someday soon…my NEW STORY can be told.

Peace to all and Happy New Year…Tony