SHAME; A Proverbial "Soul" Kick to the Curb

Greetings to all my friends and colleagues.  It’s been quite some time since I picked up the pen to write, but the combination of a fantastic book I just read and an extended business trip has my mind racing with an abundance of provocative thought.  To get this out of my head; the pen has awoken, so here I go again.  I hope you can find meaning in my words. 

The book recommendation, The Soul of Shame, by Curt Thompson; came from an old friend I hadn’t spoken with in many years.  We were deep in conversation about what has transpired in our lives in recent years, and this person had the presence of mind to recommended a piece of literature that has resonated with me deeply.  I didn’t realize just how deeply until I attached what I just learned about myself through reading the book with how I reacted in a very busy and public setting during my recent business trip.  Reading these words seemed to have lifted some hidden baggage buried deep inside; and somehow through a series of business discussions, rekindling old and building new relationships; and representing a new and fresh idea in my industry; it all seemed to come together in a flowing and comfortable manner.  There was a sense of anxiety lifted; typically with me in these settings to be a mode to “perform” and “play a role”; but this time I was just being myself and it made all the difference.  Probably not to others, who most likely viewed me as they always have; but to myself; and as we all know, feeling good about ourselves in critically important in all things.

One of the first and most prevalent quotes that I took from the book was that; “Shame is a primary means to prevent us from using the gifts we have been given”.  Which is another reason why I am writing today.  I, like many others, have historically tied guilt and shame together; but they are quite different.  Guilt is something we feel when we’ve done something bad; whereby shame is something we feel because we ARE bad.  What I realized is that my feeling of being NOT WORTHY and my affinity to isolate stem not from guilt; but from shame.  When we are caught in the web of shame, it becomes nearly impossible to shift our attention to anything other than what we are “feeling.” We lose the ability to think coherently and logically.  In addition, the memories of past mistakes, hurts, and failures overwhelm any feelings of positivity that are desperately needed to pull ourselves out of this state.  Shame overtakes us; and our narrative is bleak, pessimistic and our story gets old to the point where we cannot stand even being in our own presence.  We feel frozen by shame and wonder if the feeling will ever end.  You see, guilt stands on the shoulders of shame, but shame (at least for me) is at the foundation and it is the very thing the enemy uses to keep us down.  If he has his way (the devil that is); we would all hold on this shame our entire lives.  But that is just a lie; a lie we do not have to live with.  Something that has become clear and stark for me through reading this book as well as the associated feelings that emerged of being “free from shame” that accompanied me during my recent 7-day business trip.

By sharing this I start the process of stripping shame of its power; or “kicking it to the curb” as my title indicates.  We NAME IT; so we can TAME IT!!!

It truly amazed me while I was reading, that after all the work I’ve done and throughout my recovery process; these feelings of shame have lingered. Again, I think it was a result of mixing guilt and shame in the same cocktail.  I thought; “If I just start acting and behaving better; it will all go away.”  It also dawned on me that some of my writing over the years has been the result of these left-over feelings of shame; and that somehow admitting the things I’ve done to others through my pen would wash it all away.  That somehow if I have the potential to help others deal with problems that they may be experiencing; MY pain will go away.  Part of that was and has been true, and I know that opening up has helped others.  But as I look in the mirror today on this one; I can see now that the admittance of guilt has just given shame more power, and I’m committed to changing that.  Thanks, Mr. Thompson; your book was eye opening. 

This process of discovery for me has been both emotional and uplifting.  Gaining knowledge is something that we all love to do; and as we grow older it's critically important that we stay targeted on learning new things.  Not only about ourselves; but new things altogether.  I remember reading Dr. Oz’s first book that described our brain as a muscle that we must continually exercise.  I love this; now if I could just get some other muscles moving again (:)).  You see; THERE IT IS AGAIN.  I used SHAME in writing that last sentence; just like the way I joke about my size over the last few years.  I’m now aware; I will fix that; I will overcome feelings of shame, and I will bask in an atmosphere of positivity.  This is what Christ wants me to do.  To continue to share my testimony, to keep spreading positive messages about things I learn with others, to continue to guide my children, and to utilize these God-given abilities in every corner of my life.  I will conclude with some prose pursuant to what I just learned about shame and about myself.  My very best….

NAME it and TAME it

Shame’s is a powerful mechanism from the fallen angel; one he uses quite often

And if we let him, he will foster its growth and give it strength with feelings meant to soften;

Our resolve, our ability to overcome obstacles, and most of all; our feelings of self-worth

Things the good Lord gave ALL of us, innate goodness, special talents; from the moment of our birth;

Understanding that shame lives within us and that it’s not the same as guilt is the first step

To be KNOWN, not to be shamed is the way; admitting faults, taking responsibility is how we will prep;

To realize that we are all perfectly and amazingly made to impact others in a positive way through our gifts

The special skills we have to guide us to follow our true path without the resounding guilt that causes shifts;

In our behavior, which all too often is tied to shame and we freeze, isolate, and stop sharing our pain

With those in our lives who are there for this very reason; leaving us no excuse to stop and refrain;

With an outward expression of love, we commit to sharing these things with those we trust

When we do, the pain will reside, we will find comfort and strength in The Lord; to this, we must;

Put an end to shame, take away its power and transition back to who WE WERE AWAYS MEANT TO BE

A feeling of peace will emerge from this discovery; a renewed presence of self; try it…..and you WILL see