Thanksgiving's Dichotomous Challenge: Regret versus Gratitude

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written, but as I was thumbing through the litany of Thanksgiving messages on FB this morning I was hit with another jolt of inspiration; which has drawn me back to the pen.  The Holidays are typically an enormous challenge for me, as I imagine they are for many folks out there who live each day with regret.  Some people seem to be much better at moving forward than others, but for some reason the entire Holiday season (starting with Halloween) smacks me in the face each year.  My prayer this morning is that I can break the chains of regret this year and gear up for an incredible 2017.  If you are struggling with regret and the accompanied emotional pain on this day; then I extend my prayer to you as well.

I’ve been thinking about the notion of living with regret with several weeks now and I have been wanted to write about it, but for some reason I couldn’t unlock the door.  The words just haven’t been there, but I feel a sense of refreshment today accompanied by faith in The Lord that He is not finished His work in me just yet.  The times when I write and when I’m thinking clearly have really been the best times for me in recent years, but holding on to these feelings have been a bit more challenging.  Mostly because my heartfelt and honest assessment of where I am and where I need to be are not met by the associated actions that one needs to follow through with to make this union possible. In other words, I write and I feel and I pray; but somehow lose traction when it’s time to actually do something….or change something.  Ever get into that place?  The place where you know exactly what it will take to get you out of your rut; but the pain and regret you feel keep you glued to the couch, or to the pizza, or the other bad habits and things that drag you down and keep you in a place of inaction and you are again……frozen. 

For those of you closest to me, you have witnessed my trials over the last 7 years through my writing.  First with financial meltdown in 2009, my book in 2011, then with my stint in rehab 2013, and other trials where I keep trying to find the right trigger to pull to get me back on track.  The funny thing about regret is that if you don’t actually stop doing things you will be regretful for; then it is a certainty that your pain and struggle will continue.  Sometimes, I regress and think I can still pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat like I’ve done so many times in my past.  But what I’ve realized is that God is now pulling me in a different direction.  I just seem to be very begrudgingly trying to follow His lead; and quite often go back to doing things my way.  In other words, when I lived in the past without much faith and didn’t do the right things; somehow I got away with it.  That is not the case anymore; there is a keen sense of awareness that permeates throughout my being when I do the wrong thing now; almost like laying on a bed of nails. I know God wants me to make a greater impact and this is where that feeling comes from; sort of like “Come on Tony, this will continue if you keep straying from the path I’ve set out for you.” Believe it or not, this actually gives me comfort, knowing which direction I’m supposed to go.  Now, it doesn’t mean it’s easier to follow; it’s actually quite difficult and I’m not even close right now.  There is comfort knowing that the feeling of regret will dissipate as soon as I do a better job staying close to that path. 

Circling back to the title of this piece, this morning I really do have feelings of gratitude.  I am hopeful and prayerful that the scales can tip and gratitude will start superseding the feelings of regret.  It’s certainly a challenge when the things you are regretful for are always very present in your life; mostly when it comes to your children. 

But as I think about the things I am grateful for today; the mistakes of my past start fading away.  I talked with my 2 sisters, my mom, and my brother yesterday; I am grateful for them and for that.  We have certainly had our share of challenges, but will all still love each other and want the best for each other deep down inside.  I am eternally grateful for my 5 amazing children, who are really thriving these days.  AJ (21) just participated in a Special Olympics golf tournament that I helped put together, and it was an awesome day raising money for Special Olympics of Jacksonville.  He still lives with a disability, but overall he is healthy and happy.  Austin (19) is thriving in college and his music talent is off the charts. We just went to is Jazz concert the other night, and his saxophone solo was ridicules!!  Alexander (16) is doing fantastic in school, taking honors classes and his marching band just placed 7^th in the state of FL.  Andersen (14) is also in all honors classes, is enjoying his sports and just got back from his first Giants game as well as a trip to NYC; he was beaming and the GMEN won!!  And finally, Annalise (11) is also doing very well in school, is excelling in dance (getting ready for her second Nutcracker performance), and just won the Spelling Bee at her school and will be competing in the districts in January.  I thank God for these children, He has watched over them the entire time I’ve been struggling and their mom has done a great job with them as well.  Many things to be grateful for. 

I find the best way to start feeling better about yourself is to GET OUT of yourself.  Very hard to do when you live with regret, but much easier to do when you focus on gratitude.

Please pray with me and for me that I can continue to walk in gratitude and that we ALL can beat down regret and follow God’s plan for our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving…..Tony