Back on the Grid - Taking a Stand

Taking a Stand

First and foremost; I would like to extend a heartfelt greeting to all of you special people reading this message.  It’s been quite some time since I wrote publicly; and I’m hopeful that this letter finds you well; and your lives are moving along wonderfully.  It’s been quite an interesting and life changing 365 days for me; a year where many issues from my past came into focus; and the lens I look through now is crystal clear.  This new clarity comes from one source; and that one-true source of light is NOT myself; it’s My Lord and Savior; Jesus Christ. 

For most of you who do not know; I have spent the last year of my life in a Christian-based rehabilitation center in Orlando, FL; called Fresh Start Ministries.  It’s an establishment dedicated to helping people recover from life debilitating addictions through the utilization of the 12-step process combined with a spiritual component that, in my view, truly distinguishes this place from others.  For those of you who have followed my country-music song story; I have basically chronicled my life and struggles over the last five or six years through many mechanisms; including writing and publishing a 200 page book; My Back Nine.  Unfortunately, as I realize now, my communication style and constant need to unload through cathartic writing; lacked the true authenticity necessary for sustainability and recovery.  You see; I never took the time to face my addictive behaviors and seek the help I so desperately needed.  This is why I stopped writing and completely went off the grid for the entire year.  It is exactly what I needed; as I now feel refreshed and ready to take on the life God intended for me all along.  A life filled with promise and love; and free from pain, guilt, shame, and addiction. You see; not unlike many of you potentially reading these words today; I’ve struggled with a plethora of addictions over the years.  Alcohol, drugs, money, power, work, success, sex; and finally the addiction that led me into rehab; gambling.  Several years ago; I grabbed a hold of my addictions when I decided to write the book, get a life coaching certification, and start a consulting company; thinking that I had the ability and skills to really help other people get their lives back on track.  In all actuality, this writing came from a warm place in my heart; and I truly did help many people through my writing, coaching, and warm relationships.  But my addiction to money, power, and success; and the fact that I was not able to replace the income I was making in the banking business; led me back into my gambling addiction in 2012.  However, this time, I kept it a complete secret and was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone. 

 Last May, after an all-night gambling spree; I mustered up the courage to call my younger sister, Marge and her husband Mark.  Deep in my core; I knew what I needed; I needed God.  It dawned upon me that all of my attempts at recovery, even writing a book, were all just NEW versions of my OLD EGO.  It was just me, Tony Caico, trying to do things on my own because I was still wrapped up in my enormous EGO and my OLD SELF.  My life had become completely unmanageable; all because I never gave God a chance.  Over the years, I tried to connect with my faith, but what I realize now is that I was just using God as a condiment; and not the main course; which is where He belongs.  As I sit here and write this note today; there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about the TRUTH; about God, and about the right way to live. 

For so many years; I was the guy who was open to ALL ideas; doing my best to FIT IN wherever I was.  I became so skilled at living the life of a chameleon; it was hard even for me to identify with myself.  I never really took a stand; and I lost EVERYTHING as a result.  I had a beautiful family, a great house, stable finances, a great job, and more friends and love in my life than any man deserved.  But I choose to feed my flesh, let the enemy lead my life, and behind the scenes; I gave in and fed all of my addictions.  I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing; the worst kind. 

 But all of that is over; as I’ve spent the last year of my life in a very structured and confined place with 70 other men; all suffering from their own life debilitating addictions.  I’ve spent the last year developing and securing my relationship with The Lord; and my life and my heart have completely changed as a result.  Through the process of complete surrender and willingness to submit to the authority of the program; my life started to change in short order.  I believe that I receive a “quickening” from the Lord; because He knew what I needed and blessed me with favor right away.  I was able to land an awesome job as an Executive Recruiter with one of the top firms in the country for financial services; and industry I know well.  The blessing have continued right through today; the end of my program.  I have a new house to move into in Jacksonville; with plenty of room for my five children.  An actual HOME; not a condo, a townhome, or an apartment; something I have not had for 5 years.  Just seeing the smiles on my kids’ faces when they saw our new house brought tears to my eyes; what an amazing feeling.  God is good if we are obedient; bottom line.  I’ve read the Bible cover to cover; twice; and have processed all of my demons by uncovering items from my past that put me on the wrong path many years ago.  Most of all; I’ve shed my old skin; and have been reborn as a warrior for God.  A WARRIOR whose life will now be dedicated to bringing others into a life of knowing Jesus.  I realize that this might be hard to swallow for some of you who do not believe.  I realize that my incredible and expansive list of friends throughout the country might just be adjusted as I change my course.  I realize that there will be doubters, people who think I have gone off the deep end, etc...

But one thing is for sure; I will love you all the same; more even.  For those who know me well, you know that I have a huge heart. You know that relationship building has always been very important to me.  But what you might not know; is that some of those relationships were built out of desperation, insecurity, and co-dependency.  The need to be liked; the need to build a fan base, the need to sell books, the need and desire to make money, the need to be adored by women; to be everyone’s friend, and to feed my own self-centered ways.  Well, those days are over.  I will continue on my path of writing, but my writing will now be baked in the Word of God.  My future messages will be similar to this one; so if you choose to no longer participate; I completely understand and will never judge you or your opinion.  It’s just that I NEED TO TAKE A STAND; it’s my time.  It’s my time to go back and be the Dad my kids have needed all along.  My time to give my ex-wife a break; Lord knows she has done her part filling in for me in my absence.  I need to show My God, my children, my family, my friends; and myself that I can finally live the life God intended for me to live.  That I can be the man and father He made me to be in my mother’s womb.  That I can fight for what I believe in and bring people to Christ.  Men (and women) like me, Type A personalities who think they have it all figured out.  Boy, I was SO CLOSE when I wrote my book a few years ago.  I truly wrote that book to help myself and to help others; but without God leading my life; there is NO WAY I can do this the right way; the ONLY WAY. 

So, there it is my friends.  A year of life change; all summed up in a few words.  You will see more if you choose to stick around; I’m in the process of writing a Christian poetry book; entitled; Regeneration by Water’s Edge; and I will keep you posted through e-mail, Twitter, Facebook; and other sources. 

I will leave you today with one of the poems that will be in that book; and one that summarizes exactly what I endeavored to covey through my message today.  A message of HOPE, LOVE, RECOVERY and FAITH. 

 God Bless you ALL!!!  Tony

 

Stand or Fall - The Choice is Yours

They say if you don't stand for something; you will fall for anything; could this really be true?

I think it is; I've tried the ways of the world where I was the one in charge; but I was still sad, lonely and blue;

A feeling of security eluded me; and even though I had some as-semblance of worldly success

I felt empty inside, insecure, putting up a false front; my life a complete mess;

 

I told others that I was open to all ideas; and there were many ways to get to your goal

But now I realize that only ONE WAY is right: and that the enemy just flat out stole;

 

30 years of my life; how long will you linger here; and sit back and wait?

For the TRUTH to set you free. You see; complacency is actually attached to fate;

 

And when you don't stand on firm and solid ground and seek God's path

You allow the evil one room to enter your spirit; and at some point and time; you WILL feel his wrath;

Which includes his destructive plans for your life; a selfish path that has you believing that you can do this alone

But when it's all said and done; will the devil be there in the end to help you atone?

 

For your sins, your self-centered ways, allowing all of these ideas in about the wrong ways to live

That path leads to hurt, pain, and suffering; especially to the ones whom you wish to give;

 

Your blessings to and leave your legacy for; YES; your family and your children

The beautiful people who really matter in your life; not the false illusion;

 

That the world creates that you must have this, live there; and gather possessions and toys

We all know that those things are fleeting; and that they not meant for men; only boys;

 

And until you start standing for God, who waits to offer you His love, forgiveness and grace

Your life will be unfulfilled, just like mine was; but now I am at home; and quite sure of my place;

 

In The Kingdom of God, my eternity is certain, sealed and secured

And if I keep leaning in towards Him, my family will be safe and we will no longer be lured;

 

By the pitfalls and evils of this world, it really feels great to live this way

YOU can have it as well, if you just come home to God, let your heart change; and seize this day