Where is Home?
Where is home?
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with a million thoughts running through your head? I sure do, especially this time of year. My brain is so jam packed with thoughts about the upcoming Holiday season; I think I will explode if I don’t somehow figure out a way to get them down on paper. Thoughts of family (mostly my children), home, life stage, purpose, placement, and many others have kept me awake a few nights this week. I’m afraid it will last until 2011. At least that’s the way it has been for the last several years. I have no idea how this piece will turn out, but I do know it will be different from the others I have written. You see, mostly I write from a place of inspiration. Today is a bit different. Today I feel like asking questions, contemplating on this topic, working and writing through my own “stuff”, in an attempt to gain some insight on this strange place people call “HOME.” Not sure if it will work, but I’m at least hopeful that my head can clear and I can get on with my weekend. In addition, as you read this piece, I feel compelled to ask your opinion on this topic. I would love to hear some perspective from a different angle than mine. Many times I endeavor to inspire others and awaken hidden gems that may not be top of mind for all. For example, in my last piece I took a deep dive into the self-examination of life. This one is more inquisitive and experimental on my part, because it’s something I am really struggling with and always have. Even when I was in a place that felt like home, somehow I was worried it wouldn't last. Guess what, it didn't. Funny how that happens. Perhaps someone out there can provide some much needed insight. I invite all takers to respond to my inquiry today. Either by adding a comment on the blog site, sending me an e-mail, or even giving me a phone call.
OK, so I’m sure you’re now wondering what the big deal is. What is the actual issue Tony? Why do you have a problem with the word “home”, especially around the Holidays? There are many facets as to why this topic makes me uncomfortable. Yes, that would be a good word to describe how I feel. As I sit here today, I am, yet again, living in a new place. My current “home” is in South Durham, NC. A place strategically located between my new place of employment and where my children live full time.
In order for me the properly set the stage for this topic, let me serve up a Reader’s Digest version of the actual “homes” I have live in from my time of birth. Some of the dates and times may not be exact, but trust me, you will get the picture. Strap in:
• 1963 -Born in the town of Bay Shore, NY – My new home
• 1963 – 1970 – North Babylon, NY – Do not have much recollection, but I’m sure it was a comfortable and safe home.
• 1970 – 1978 – Rocky Point, NY – This is really my first memory of childhood. Again, a safe and comfortable home. A roof over my head and food on the table. No major problems.
• 1978 – 1981 - Mattituck, NY – Three years of high school, lots of sports, lots of friends. No major problems. Another nice home.
• 1981 – 1984 – Oakdale, NY – Three years of college. Lots of partying, lots of sports, lots of friends. Ran into some trouble, had to move to Florida. Not home.
• 1984 – 1986 – Punta Gorda, FL – 2 years of partying and playing golf. Lots of fun, not much accomplishment. Not home.
• 1986 – 1989 – Wellington, FL - Moved in with my sister and her husband. Finished higher education. Not really home.
• 1989 – 1992 – West Palm Beach, FL – Bartender, lots of partying, lived in a few places in town, lots of fun, golf, etc… - Not home.
• 1992 - 1996 – Sarasota, FL – Entered into a real job, started a career, got married, had my first child, bought my first home. This actually felt like home for the first time since high school.
• 1996 – 2000 – Winston-Salem, NC – Entered into a new field, career was elevating, had my second/third sons, bought my second home, joined my first country club. Again, this also felt like home.
• 2000-2007 – Hillsborough, NC – Had my 4th son and 1st daughter, career was going well, bought my third home, joined my second country club, life was good. Last time it felt like home.
• April 2007 – Durham, NC - Lost my job, moved out of my home, separated from my wife, and moved into an apartment in Durham, NC. Not home.
• September 2007 – Durham, NC – Still out of work, moved into a house my parents owned, life getting hard. Still not home.
• January 2008 – Durham, NC – Moved across town into another apartment, still out of work, got divorced, life still hard. Not home.
• July 2008 – Durham, NC. Moved back into the house my parents owned, couldn’t afford to keep the apartment, finally landed a job. Home? Nope.
• February 2009 – Rougemont, NC – Lost my job again, had to move into a house my sister owned. Out in the middle of nowhere, not happy. Definitely not home.
• November 2009 – Cary, NC – Got a new job, moved into a really cool place. Things were looking up. Maybe home?
• May 2010 – Cary, NC – Lost my job…..again. Could not afford to stay in the cool place. Again….not home.
• Present day – Durham, NC – Still not even close to being HOME.
Well, that didn’t feel that great, but I knew it wasn’t going to. So, for me, the last 3 years have obviously been the most difficult, and have served up more mixed feelings about where "home" is for me. In the past, I never really worried too much about where home was. But now, I’m only with my kids part time, my family is scattered over the country, my friends are everywhere but where I live, and life feels pretty lonely sometimes. I have, however, learned a ton about myself through these last few years. But the entire concept of “home” is still very elusive to me. I have many friends who have lived in the same place their entire lives. They have relatives and friends there, their children grow up with their friends children. I must admit, I am envious of that situation, and sometimes wish it were me and my family. But that’s just not the way it happened for me, and I’m sure there is a reason for it. Not sure what it is now, but I’m confident it will manifest on its own and be presented to me in some manner, and perhaps I will even have an “ah-ha” moment that will give me comfort. Some people say: “home is where the heart is”, but I really don’t know what that means. Does anybody really know what that means? If so, please edify me, I would love to know what it means to you.
I have always said that I could grow where I am planted, but that has proven to be difficult in light of my recent circumstances. This is not meant to be a pity party for me, by any means. Sure, I’m sad around the Holidays, mostly about my children. However, although it’s very difficult this time of year, I have learned to untie myself from my circumstances and try and live in the moment whenever I can. I have spent considerable time evaluating my life over the last three years, and I am certain I am on the right track. Perhaps, my continued journey will eventually bring me home. Perhaps, home is “heaven”...I have even thought that might be true for me. I hear that in church all of the time, and it actually feels good....not so disturbing. If there is anyone who knows why I’ve gone through these hard times, it’s certainly the man upstairs. On the other hand, when I dream about where I want to live and have a “home” I always go back to a house near the water and on the golf course. A house maybe in Charleston, SC or somewhere else in the “low country”. I love that part of the US, and I picture myself there all of the time. Playing golf with my children, continuing my journey through life, and living by the ocean. Maybe....just maybe....that’s where my home will be.
How about you?
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with a million thoughts running through your head? I sure do, especially this time of year. My brain is so jam packed with thoughts about the upcoming Holiday season; I think I will explode if I don’t somehow figure out a way to get them down on paper. Thoughts of family (mostly my children), home, life stage, purpose, placement, and many others have kept me awake a few nights this week. I’m afraid it will last until 2011. At least that’s the way it has been for the last several years. I have no idea how this piece will turn out, but I do know it will be different from the others I have written. You see, mostly I write from a place of inspiration. Today is a bit different. Today I feel like asking questions, contemplating on this topic, working and writing through my own “stuff”, in an attempt to gain some insight on this strange place people call “HOME.” Not sure if it will work, but I’m at least hopeful that my head can clear and I can get on with my weekend. In addition, as you read this piece, I feel compelled to ask your opinion on this topic. I would love to hear some perspective from a different angle than mine. Many times I endeavor to inspire others and awaken hidden gems that may not be top of mind for all. For example, in my last piece I took a deep dive into the self-examination of life. This one is more inquisitive and experimental on my part, because it’s something I am really struggling with and always have. Even when I was in a place that felt like home, somehow I was worried it wouldn't last. Guess what, it didn't. Funny how that happens. Perhaps someone out there can provide some much needed insight. I invite all takers to respond to my inquiry today. Either by adding a comment on the blog site, sending me an e-mail, or even giving me a phone call.
OK, so I’m sure you’re now wondering what the big deal is. What is the actual issue Tony? Why do you have a problem with the word “home”, especially around the Holidays? There are many facets as to why this topic makes me uncomfortable. Yes, that would be a good word to describe how I feel. As I sit here today, I am, yet again, living in a new place. My current “home” is in South Durham, NC. A place strategically located between my new place of employment and where my children live full time.
In order for me the properly set the stage for this topic, let me serve up a Reader’s Digest version of the actual “homes” I have live in from my time of birth. Some of the dates and times may not be exact, but trust me, you will get the picture. Strap in:
• 1963 -Born in the town of Bay Shore, NY – My new home
• 1963 – 1970 – North Babylon, NY – Do not have much recollection, but I’m sure it was a comfortable and safe home.
• 1970 – 1978 – Rocky Point, NY – This is really my first memory of childhood. Again, a safe and comfortable home. A roof over my head and food on the table. No major problems.
• 1978 – 1981 - Mattituck, NY – Three years of high school, lots of sports, lots of friends. No major problems. Another nice home.
• 1981 – 1984 – Oakdale, NY – Three years of college. Lots of partying, lots of sports, lots of friends. Ran into some trouble, had to move to Florida. Not home.
• 1984 – 1986 – Punta Gorda, FL – 2 years of partying and playing golf. Lots of fun, not much accomplishment. Not home.
• 1986 – 1989 – Wellington, FL - Moved in with my sister and her husband. Finished higher education. Not really home.
• 1989 – 1992 – West Palm Beach, FL – Bartender, lots of partying, lived in a few places in town, lots of fun, golf, etc… - Not home.
• 1992 - 1996 – Sarasota, FL – Entered into a real job, started a career, got married, had my first child, bought my first home. This actually felt like home for the first time since high school.
• 1996 – 2000 – Winston-Salem, NC – Entered into a new field, career was elevating, had my second/third sons, bought my second home, joined my first country club. Again, this also felt like home.
• 2000-2007 – Hillsborough, NC – Had my 4th son and 1st daughter, career was going well, bought my third home, joined my second country club, life was good. Last time it felt like home.
• April 2007 – Durham, NC - Lost my job, moved out of my home, separated from my wife, and moved into an apartment in Durham, NC. Not home.
• September 2007 – Durham, NC – Still out of work, moved into a house my parents owned, life getting hard. Still not home.
• January 2008 – Durham, NC – Moved across town into another apartment, still out of work, got divorced, life still hard. Not home.
• July 2008 – Durham, NC. Moved back into the house my parents owned, couldn’t afford to keep the apartment, finally landed a job. Home? Nope.
• February 2009 – Rougemont, NC – Lost my job again, had to move into a house my sister owned. Out in the middle of nowhere, not happy. Definitely not home.
• November 2009 – Cary, NC – Got a new job, moved into a really cool place. Things were looking up. Maybe home?
• May 2010 – Cary, NC – Lost my job…..again. Could not afford to stay in the cool place. Again….not home.
• Present day – Durham, NC – Still not even close to being HOME.
Well, that didn’t feel that great, but I knew it wasn’t going to. So, for me, the last 3 years have obviously been the most difficult, and have served up more mixed feelings about where "home" is for me. In the past, I never really worried too much about where home was. But now, I’m only with my kids part time, my family is scattered over the country, my friends are everywhere but where I live, and life feels pretty lonely sometimes. I have, however, learned a ton about myself through these last few years. But the entire concept of “home” is still very elusive to me. I have many friends who have lived in the same place their entire lives. They have relatives and friends there, their children grow up with their friends children. I must admit, I am envious of that situation, and sometimes wish it were me and my family. But that’s just not the way it happened for me, and I’m sure there is a reason for it. Not sure what it is now, but I’m confident it will manifest on its own and be presented to me in some manner, and perhaps I will even have an “ah-ha” moment that will give me comfort. Some people say: “home is where the heart is”, but I really don’t know what that means. Does anybody really know what that means? If so, please edify me, I would love to know what it means to you.
I have always said that I could grow where I am planted, but that has proven to be difficult in light of my recent circumstances. This is not meant to be a pity party for me, by any means. Sure, I’m sad around the Holidays, mostly about my children. However, although it’s very difficult this time of year, I have learned to untie myself from my circumstances and try and live in the moment whenever I can. I have spent considerable time evaluating my life over the last three years, and I am certain I am on the right track. Perhaps, my continued journey will eventually bring me home. Perhaps, home is “heaven”...I have even thought that might be true for me. I hear that in church all of the time, and it actually feels good....not so disturbing. If there is anyone who knows why I’ve gone through these hard times, it’s certainly the man upstairs. On the other hand, when I dream about where I want to live and have a “home” I always go back to a house near the water and on the golf course. A house maybe in Charleston, SC or somewhere else in the “low country”. I love that part of the US, and I picture myself there all of the time. Playing golf with my children, continuing my journey through life, and living by the ocean. Maybe....just maybe....that’s where my home will be.
How about you?
Tony,
ReplyDeleteI think there is a difference between "being" Home and "feeling" at home. I believe, as a Christ follower that this world isn't my home. I base that belief on the Bible which I belive is the only "true" authority in this world and seeing how you asked:) I will quote those verses.
"If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." (John 15:19)
"I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world." (John 17:14)
1 Peter 2:11-12 "Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."
I also beleive that we are not called to be out of this world or isolated from this world but rather a light to the world, a part of this world, engaged in relationships in this world and that He came for us not only to have an eternal "Home" but an abundant "home" here on earth and therein comes the "feeling" of home. I beleive that "feeling" or lack of comes from what we beleive about "who" we are, where our identity comes from. If I beleive my identity (who I am) and what my purpose is comes from who I believe Christ is, then I don't have to rely on my circumstances to make me "feel" at home.However, if I believe this world has something to offer me in way of my identity, ie: family,job,money, things, I will never be satisfied because I am not of this world. No matter where I am I can "feel" at home if I choose to belive the Truth vs. the Lies the enemy of my soul would have me beleive. We all have that choice and the enemy of our souls knows our triggers and weaknesses even better than we do. For me, some of them can be, "oh your such a bad parent for taking your kids out of the U.S." The TRUTH is that taking my kids out of the US was the best thing i could have ever done for them because living in the center of God's will in a 3rd world country is "better" for my kids than the luxury the US has to offer. That's just an example but I have a choice, you have a choice, we all have a choice with every decision we make we can choose "Life" and freedom or "death" and bondage. Today, I choose life, abundant life that gives me the freedom to believe the Truth of who I am and what i was created for and regardless of my circumstances, I can always feel at "home" or be "OK" no matter what. I am praying that you find the answers to where "HOME" is for you. I love you and I am so proud your my big brother......Marge
Tony,
ReplyDeleteGreat post. We are all constantly engaged in this internal debate of not just the sense of home but of the peace of mind we associate with the image of home. Ultimately it is in the simple pleasures and organic experiences that we find this sense, this joy. I too sometimes envy my friends that stayed local because it seems to represent the security of the familiar but when you think of it, the real pull is the community of fine people we knew there.
Maybe your path drew you away to learn something about yourself or because we always want more? - (me too I think) only to discover it is our friends and loved ones (community) that make a place a home.
As the family spread out, where could you have kept this continuity? You were destined for whatever reason to make a new home. So I think the cliche is true - it is where your heart is - and how much it interacts with other hearts.
Thanks for provoking this discussion - gives me more surety in my feelings as I think about this.
Take care,
Rich
Wow:) great post, and great comments!..I knew annonymous had to be my brother richie before i read his name at the end!:)?..Am i correct?
ReplyDeletePersonally, my thoughts are that home is where the heart is:) and along Marge's viewpoint, truly special people have a harder time finding peace in this world, because there is much in it that makes no sense, but the answer is not in being complacent, but in seeking, as the heavenly father's son said: seek and ye shall find. The finding is the difficult part, but definitely possible if we realize there are answers although not easily present, but hidden, as a treasure is.
I have moved many, many times in my life as well, and would like to post more again later.
Peace and Thank you!:)
rm
Tony, your blogs always move me and this one in particular....your words truly brought tears to my eyes as I felt as though I was reliving my life and all the job losses, having to move from my dream "home" in Florida, still in the process of losing my "home" there, having to move twice since relocating to Missouri, and getting ready to move once again as that is what we must do in order to keep our heads above water.
ReplyDeleteI have not felt "home" since I left Florida, which is where I finally felt like I had found my "home". I long to move back there someday and believe me the 20 degree weather here in Missouri is only making me wish it was sooner rather than later.
So, where is "home"....I too feel much like you...I want to keep believing that home is where the heart and loved ones are, yet somehow it just doesn't feel like this. I miss having my daughter living with me, I miss the sounds of the palm trees in the wind, and the beautiful blue water of the gulf, that is where I had wanted to live my entire life and I was granted that wish for a very short time. Sometimes I wish that particular wish hadn't been granted, so it didn't hurt so much to not be living in that dream any longer...then on the other hand, I am grateful that I was blessed to have the opportunity to live there and do what I loved the most and to work with the most wonderful people (such as you!) and for that I was blessed.
Ok - so back to the subject at hand..."home"...I too, like you, have not yet found where I feel like I am home and I long to have that happiness and comfort yet again someday. I pray allot and I thank God for the blessings he has given me, and try very hard not to complain about what I don't have, although that sometimes overtakes me and I quickly have to put myself back in check and remember that I have all I need and that God will once again bless me when the time is right and I keep trying to remind myself "not in my time, but in His"....
I always thougth I had tons of patience, but the last 3 years of job loss, moving to new locations, and having to start over and reinvent myself repeatedly has truly taught me that maybe I didn't have the patience I thought I had...
So for now, I will try to continue on this path/journey and I will continue praying for Gods will and I will continue to try and make wherever I am "home"....and maybe one day, I will truly feel that way again for real.
Thanks for the blogs, thanks for still being in my life. You are a friend for life and an inspiration, and I am so blessed and grateful that I know you.
Teri
Home is not necessarily where the heart is, but where the memory brings you.
ReplyDeleteWhile none of us travels the same path we all started out on the same road, bring yourself back to your beginning point and warm yourself in childhood memories of loving parents and grandparents , summer barbeques, Thanksgiving dinners and happy Christmas celebrations with aunts, uncles and cousins ,all of whom shared one major thing in common; love of family!
We all must eventually travel our own paths, often which physically removes us from those we love, but never removes us from the love.
As long as we keep that in our heart and our memories, we are never very far from home.