A letter to my son (AJ)
It has been a few months since I last blogged, mostly due to the fact that nothing has really inspired me lately. I have had some more family challenges recently, with 2 of my sons spending time in the hospital. The first hospital visit was for my 9 year old son (Alexander) who had an appendectomy. He was a trooper, handled it like a champ, and was out in a few days. I think it was more difficult on his parents than it was on him. Nothing like the feeling of pain you have when your children are hurting. More recently, my oldest son AJ (who has Autism) has been admitted to hospital due to some unforeseen circumstances. This poor guy has been through many challenges over the years, and now the combination of adolescence, going back to school, and some other events just proved to be too much for him to handle. But an interesting thing is starting to occur as a result. I believe that he is really learning a lesson this time, and that he is truly starting to understand where he stands and what he needs to do to improve. Just last week, I brought a letter to him written by a friend of mine’s son who also has Asperger’s Syndrome. AJ was very encouraged by this letter, as this boy has made tremendous strides and is actually heading into his first year of college. I have noticed a recent change in AJ, and his courage has inspired me to write. When I was 14, all I had to think about was showing up for school, playing sports, and hanging out with my friends. My son has to deal with so much more, and I am so very proud him and how he is handling the current situation. I only pray that I have the strength, courage, and wisdom to make him half as proud of me as I am of him.
After I read him the letter, we started talking about many things. We talked about the difficulties in life, and about the book that I had just written about life and the changes I wanted to make. In the past, we have always been curious about what actually gets in, and what AJ is able to comprehend. I have always had a sense that AJ understands way more than he leads us to believe. But now I can actually see it in his eyes, and he is started to respond in a more mature and appropriate manner. It’s one small step, but I am very happy and encouraged about what I am seeing in him. We also talked about me writing a letter to him. I told him that I would, and that I would bring it with me next time we were together. Well, I had all of the other children with me this weekend, and as is typical of my inspirational moments…..this one came in the middle of the night when I woke up from a deep sleep. Here it is:
To my dear son AJ:
I awoke from a deep sleep last night thinking of you alone in the Hospital. This has been a typical occurrence for me over the last several weeks, but this time it felt different. I got up to check on your brothers and sister and I realized how much I missed you. Things are just not the same without you around AJ, and I wanted you to know how much I love you. I also wanted you to know how proud I am of you and what you are trying to do. I know this must be hard for you, but I always knew you had an internal strength that you could draw upon if you had to in order to help you get to the next level. When I visited you the other day, you and I talked about a letter that I would write to you. Well, the words are with me this morning…..so here it is my son.
I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday buddy. I believe I had all of the doctors and nurses walking on egg shells because I was so intensely focused on all of the monitors, what was going on with you and your mom, and I asked tons of questions about everything. I was very proud to be having a son. So proud, that your mom agreed that we name you after me. My first born son, Anthony George Caico Jr. (AJ). The bond I felt with you that day has never left me and it will continue to be there forever, in this life and the next. I have some very fond memories from when you were a baby. Things were a bit easier back then, having only one child and giving it undivided attention. Your demeanor was both sweet and strong, and those qualities have stayed with you and will always be a part of who you are.
I remember when you were about a year old and you started exhibiting some unique and awesome qualities. You could actually recite your ABCs and count to 100 before you were 2. Your brain function was (and still is) advanced, and those qualities will also stay with you forever. Always remember, that you have the power to draw upon these qualities whenever you want, and they will help you now and in the future. Sometimes it just takes people longer to tap into their true strengths, but when they do the possibilities are limitless.
When you were about 2 ½, your mom and I were starting to get concerned with some of your behaviors, and we started visiting many doctors and specialists. It was a long journey for us and we went many months without answers to our questions. One night, while browsing the Internet, I stumbled upon Asperger’s Syndrome. It didn’t take long for your mom and I to figure out that this was what we were up against. We spent that evening crying ourselves to sleep as most parents would do. Yes, we were upset, but at no time did we say “Why us?”or “Why AJ?” You see my son, many people go through far more difficult situations than this, and we realized that God has a reason for everything that happens. This is the lesson I have been trying to teach you recently, and one that I think you are finally starting to understand. I believe this because of the way you reacted to the letter I read you from my friend’s Autistic son last week. Do remember when he talked about how he went from feeling sorry for himself, to realizing that he could be a productive and successful member of society despite his disability? We talked about it, and I felt that you were very encouraged. I hope this letter has a similar effect AJ. A message of love, hope, and encouragement from someone who loves you beyond measure. Your dad.
I also want to take this opportunity to tell you that I am sorry for many things. Your Dad has made some mistakes in the past, and one of the repercussions of my actions is that I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I would like. It seems as though you and I lost our way with each other over this time, and I take full responsibility for that. I was not as present in your life as I should have been, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I have paid for my mistakes AJ, and all I can do now is focus on the present and future. The most important aspect of my life is the health and well being of my children, and I will do whatever I can to make up for lost time. I am here for you my son, and always will be. No matter what happens, you can count on me buddy.
Right now, your mom and I are staying totally focused on making the best decisions we can for your care and your future. I know it must be a bit confusing for you now, but this is a critical time for you to learn some new skills to deal with your disability. We all need to work together to give you the best possible chance to have the life you deserve. A life filled with happiness, joy, success, and love. I am sure that you will find all of these things….and your life will be great.
You see AJ, we are in this together. Dad’s life is also still very hard right now, and when I think of you, it gives me strength. You may not realize this AJ, but you have tremendous courage. Like I mentioned above, I very proud to call you my son. I know that we sort of got off track with each other, but I promise that I will do everything I can to continue to build and strengthen our relationship. I love you with all of my heart and soul, and our bond is forever……unbreakable.
Dad
After I read him the letter, we started talking about many things. We talked about the difficulties in life, and about the book that I had just written about life and the changes I wanted to make. In the past, we have always been curious about what actually gets in, and what AJ is able to comprehend. I have always had a sense that AJ understands way more than he leads us to believe. But now I can actually see it in his eyes, and he is started to respond in a more mature and appropriate manner. It’s one small step, but I am very happy and encouraged about what I am seeing in him. We also talked about me writing a letter to him. I told him that I would, and that I would bring it with me next time we were together. Well, I had all of the other children with me this weekend, and as is typical of my inspirational moments…..this one came in the middle of the night when I woke up from a deep sleep. Here it is:
To my dear son AJ:
I awoke from a deep sleep last night thinking of you alone in the Hospital. This has been a typical occurrence for me over the last several weeks, but this time it felt different. I got up to check on your brothers and sister and I realized how much I missed you. Things are just not the same without you around AJ, and I wanted you to know how much I love you. I also wanted you to know how proud I am of you and what you are trying to do. I know this must be hard for you, but I always knew you had an internal strength that you could draw upon if you had to in order to help you get to the next level. When I visited you the other day, you and I talked about a letter that I would write to you. Well, the words are with me this morning…..so here it is my son.
I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday buddy. I believe I had all of the doctors and nurses walking on egg shells because I was so intensely focused on all of the monitors, what was going on with you and your mom, and I asked tons of questions about everything. I was very proud to be having a son. So proud, that your mom agreed that we name you after me. My first born son, Anthony George Caico Jr. (AJ). The bond I felt with you that day has never left me and it will continue to be there forever, in this life and the next. I have some very fond memories from when you were a baby. Things were a bit easier back then, having only one child and giving it undivided attention. Your demeanor was both sweet and strong, and those qualities have stayed with you and will always be a part of who you are.
I remember when you were about a year old and you started exhibiting some unique and awesome qualities. You could actually recite your ABCs and count to 100 before you were 2. Your brain function was (and still is) advanced, and those qualities will also stay with you forever. Always remember, that you have the power to draw upon these qualities whenever you want, and they will help you now and in the future. Sometimes it just takes people longer to tap into their true strengths, but when they do the possibilities are limitless.
When you were about 2 ½, your mom and I were starting to get concerned with some of your behaviors, and we started visiting many doctors and specialists. It was a long journey for us and we went many months without answers to our questions. One night, while browsing the Internet, I stumbled upon Asperger’s Syndrome. It didn’t take long for your mom and I to figure out that this was what we were up against. We spent that evening crying ourselves to sleep as most parents would do. Yes, we were upset, but at no time did we say “Why us?”or “Why AJ?” You see my son, many people go through far more difficult situations than this, and we realized that God has a reason for everything that happens. This is the lesson I have been trying to teach you recently, and one that I think you are finally starting to understand. I believe this because of the way you reacted to the letter I read you from my friend’s Autistic son last week. Do remember when he talked about how he went from feeling sorry for himself, to realizing that he could be a productive and successful member of society despite his disability? We talked about it, and I felt that you were very encouraged. I hope this letter has a similar effect AJ. A message of love, hope, and encouragement from someone who loves you beyond measure. Your dad.
I also want to take this opportunity to tell you that I am sorry for many things. Your Dad has made some mistakes in the past, and one of the repercussions of my actions is that I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I would like. It seems as though you and I lost our way with each other over this time, and I take full responsibility for that. I was not as present in your life as I should have been, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I have paid for my mistakes AJ, and all I can do now is focus on the present and future. The most important aspect of my life is the health and well being of my children, and I will do whatever I can to make up for lost time. I am here for you my son, and always will be. No matter what happens, you can count on me buddy.
Right now, your mom and I are staying totally focused on making the best decisions we can for your care and your future. I know it must be a bit confusing for you now, but this is a critical time for you to learn some new skills to deal with your disability. We all need to work together to give you the best possible chance to have the life you deserve. A life filled with happiness, joy, success, and love. I am sure that you will find all of these things….and your life will be great.
You see AJ, we are in this together. Dad’s life is also still very hard right now, and when I think of you, it gives me strength. You may not realize this AJ, but you have tremendous courage. Like I mentioned above, I very proud to call you my son. I know that we sort of got off track with each other, but I promise that I will do everything I can to continue to build and strengthen our relationship. I love you with all of my heart and soul, and our bond is forever……unbreakable.
Dad
I hope that AJ can absorb the depth of this letter that you have written to him. It is a sweet and special letter that tugs at the soul of your relationshps with your child.
ReplyDeletehugs.
Fatherhood (at least for those who care to participate in their child's life) is defined as the only true means for a man to become a true hero. Not just in their son/daughter's eyes, but also in the eyes of fathers everywhere who understand the challenges you face...God Bless you, Tony.
ReplyDeleteTony,
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration for all of us and I'm sure AJ knows that. He will follow in your footsteps and be all that he can be for the love and understanding you have for each other.
Love Gloria